Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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