the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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