I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
