I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
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There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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