the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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