I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
