I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
