can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize