I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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