have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
