theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
