I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
