i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
