Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
