Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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