They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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