Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
