I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
