Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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