hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The best revenge is premature balding
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
