What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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