god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no you cant smoke seaweed
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
