i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
