Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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