It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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