She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
