I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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