I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
