I met the friendliest cop last night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
