Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
