Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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