She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
