So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i now understand why vodka
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
