I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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