i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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