I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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