so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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