I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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