I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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