Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
