she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
