rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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