At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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