You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
