Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
