my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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