hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.