Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
