i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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