I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
