i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
