Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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