So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
