I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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