I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Found your dick twin last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
