some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
