No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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