I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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